First, let me preface this by saying ...
Yes ... many, many did. For the loss of life I am truly sorry for those left behind who grieve.
I didn't die ... But I definitely broke.
At this point there is little left to be said of 2020 and 2021 that we haven't heard ad nauseam. So I do not intend to pen the story that we all saw unfold but instead to to discuss the beach on which the waves tossed my body and the breaks and bruises left behind.
This week the position I held in town began for the first time in 6 years without me in it. I cannot not lie and say that a piece of me isn't broken by that fact or that I am at all good at handling this bit of down time that I am currently living in. Being unemployed is a weird world for me to live in, but it seems that as is typical with my life, the forces that control it knew what I needed even if I second guessed them.
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| Unfiltered ... Exhausted ... Broken I must have been a passenger thankfully because I can feel all of the broken by looking into my eyes. |
In December of 2020, my daughter was to be coming from boarding school to HER HOME for the Christmas Holiday and I was told I would have to quarantine from work because of it. At first I was fighting the idea but then I thought "Bethany, you deserve a vacation, Take it." After my 2 week haitus, I returned to mayhem, Many texts from many people about many things and I was exhausted trying to sort them all out. What I did know was that our utility person was injured and out and no one wanted to do the work and tempers were flaring. After solving that little issue it just seemed to one nonsensical thing after another until by mid-january I was telling those closest to me that I just couldn't do it anymore but that I would power through. I was exhausted and there was a lack of support by those who should have, in fact they were the ones yet again yelling just ignore it and "use compassion" instead of realising that those of us who were strong were actually being slammed against the shore over and over to the point of breaking.
And yet, I held the decision inside thinking maybe I'd change my mind.
I didn't ... and I think it was clear to those who knew me even without me saying it.
I carried that exhaustion into the summer season. Two years of a pandemic in one of the most essential entities in town was pure mental and physical exhaustion. 2020 I worked every hour of every day the restaurant was open and then some. I overlapped all of May and all of November. 2021 I worked most of every hour the restaurant was open except I had learned that I needed to also be alive so I slipped away when I could and closed on my days off so my mind could be "resting". Thank the lord for the PPP Loans and EIDLs that many employers received and used for whatever but me I kept my people employed as I was supposed to. By keeping them employed I was a little less tired, I guess.
So here we are in November when I would normally be at work. A few weeks ago I had an emergency visit to see a doctor and well ... it was a lot.
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| I took this picture while walking the canal still thinking I was pregnant and no one but me the father and a few very close friends knowing the details. I was going to use it to tell the world when I was ready. |
Ok, this blog is so not completely on the track of being a chef. It is however what this woman has been going through while being a chef so it counts.
I shall return soon with details.
And a blog that is more to the point of this page.
