... But did you die? No ... but I broke

First, let me preface this by saying ... 

Yes ... many, many did. For the loss of life I am truly sorry for those left behind who grieve. 

I didn't die ... But I definitely broke.

At this point there is little left to be said of 2020 and 2021 that we haven't heard ad nauseam. So I do not intend to pen the story that we all saw unfold but instead to to discuss the beach on which the waves tossed my body and the breaks and bruises left behind. 

This week the position I held in town began for the first time in 6 years without me in it. I cannot not lie and say that a piece of me isn't broken by that fact or that I am at all good at handling this bit of down time that I am currently living in. Being unemployed is a weird world for me to live in, but it seems that as is typical with my life, the forces that control it knew what I needed even if I second guessed them. 

Unfiltered ... Exhausted ... Broken
I must have been a passenger thankfully 
because I can feel all of the broken  by looking into my eyes. 

In December of 2020, my daughter was to be coming from boarding school to HER HOME for the Christmas Holiday and I was told I would have to quarantine from work because of it. At first I was fighting the idea but then I thought "Bethany, you deserve a vacation, Take it." After my 2 week haitus, I returned to mayhem, Many texts from many people about many things and I was exhausted trying to sort them all out. What I did know was that our utility person was injured and out and no one wanted to do the work and tempers were flaring. After solving that little issue it just seemed to one nonsensical thing after another until by mid-january I was telling those closest to me that I just couldn't do it anymore but that I would power through. I was exhausted and there was a lack of support by those who should have, in fact they were the ones yet again yelling just ignore it and "use compassion" instead of realising that those of us who were strong were actually being slammed against the shore over and over to the point of breaking. 

And yet, I held the decision inside thinking maybe I'd change my mind.

I didn't ... and I think it was clear to those who knew me even without me saying it.

I carried that exhaustion into the summer season. Two years of a pandemic in one of the most essential entities in town was pure mental and physical exhaustion. 2020 I worked every hour of every day the restaurant was open and then some. I overlapped all of May and all of November. 2021 I worked most of every hour the restaurant was open except I had learned that I needed to also be alive so I slipped away when I could and closed on my days off so my mind could be "resting". Thank the lord for the PPP Loans and EIDLs that many employers received and used for whatever but me I kept my people employed as I was supposed to. By keeping them employed I was a little less tired, I guess. 

So here we are in November when I would normally be at work. A few weeks ago I had an emergency visit to see a doctor and well ... it was a lot. 

I took this picture while walking the canal still thinking I was pregnant
and no one but me the father and a few very close friends knowing the details.
I was going to use it to tell the world when I was ready.  

 

I left thinking I was pregnant, something that both scared me and filled my heart at the same time. A week and a half later and suddenly it was a mass, nothing with a heartbeat, and would require surgery but as of yet no details. Monday, November 8th at 8pm I have another ultrasound to find more details and then the doctor and I will know a little more. As I said, life always knows what down time I will need before I do.

Ok, this blog is so not completely on the track of being a chef. It is however what this woman has been going through while being a chef so it counts. 

I shall return soon with details. 

And a blog that is more to the point of this page. 

A Sum of its Parts

Some days I wonder why I am in an industry that is designed to be cutthroat. A winner take all high stakes game isn't what I signed on for. Artistry is what I do. Creation. Passion for taking nothing and making it something. My current geographical location and my last employment location make me ready to opt for a pickup window at McDonalds and my first ever job and another career path.

A restaurant is just a sum of it's parts. Sadly, mine was controlled by a head that didn't have a heart. It's no surprise that anyone can be replaced at any time. However, when you aren't allowed to replace people that no call, no show several times in a few months and try to call out every wednesday, someone who tosses out the N word or faggot (or numerous others) at will, your pizza person comes in under the influence of something so extremely that she puts the entire establishment in danger, you get to the day when they let you go and you leave with relief. You take the $13,000 end of season loss and realize that being on the outside allows you to sleep better at night.

Until.

Yes, until that moment the people who were the sum of your parts reach out. The ones that mattered. The ones that were there, every day without fail. The one who's hand you held dealing with a cut that removed the tip of their finger, the one who even when the season was slowing and you were told you had to remove people from the schedule was willing to let you ask them to give you one more favor and did. People aren't disposable. You don't get to text someone who has been with you for 3 years on a saturday night and tell them not to come to work that you're doing something different, or just take someone off the schedule and they only learn it when they come to see if they still have a job.

You sir, are what is wrong with this industry. You sir, don't deserve to go back to your castle and live well of the backs of people you never cared about. You sir, are what makes me sick. You sir, are why this industry lacks new talent and a strong core. You sir, you and those like you.

It's difficult for me being a person with a heart to be in an industry where the powers of the past were strong and tough, too tough, sometimes actually brutal. And yet, I'm known as a bitch because I expect you to do the job the way you were trained to do, properly. I expect you to show up to work when scheduled. I expect you to be respectful. I expect you to not serve food that rotting. I don't throw things, I don't yell, but when I get to the moment of knowing that no matter what avenues are taken you will never care, I too, will not care and my displeasure will not be hidden.

When you are my spine, when you are my ribs, when you are my arms I will treasure your every breath. If you become the spur that makes walking painful, then you will know that I don't need you, even though you may not be "removable".

An industry is just a sum of its parts. Cooking is my passion, this industry not so much. I will continue to do what I do, I will continue to treasure the artistry, I will fight with every ounce in me for those without a voice. Yet in the end I will just be a lost part in a greater sum that rewards the bad and condemns those are the glue that holds it all together.

You will ...

The life of a seasonal slave ...

I don’t use that word lightly, as I am aware of the atrocities the African American population endured at the hands of Americans. However after 3 seasons in a seasonal town I haven’t another word to describe it.

The season begins with no one. You are working every hour of almost everyday. You go in to make sure all the prep is ready and you then work the line because no one has shown up to town yet. You are salaried and so even though you are making a good wage you’re working hours that amount to about $12 an hour after 20 years of experience. You don’t mind at the time because this is your passion and you love what you do. You soak in the joy of the praises you get.

You miss life. Your cousin who was destined to be a mother from the day she was born conceives a child after lengthy years of creating embryos and testing for a genetic marker that could potentially lead to that child dying from lungs that spontaneously collapse. You can’t attend her baby shower back because it’s Labor Day weekend. Your daughter who attends boarding school out of state has concerts and events you can’t attend because your married to your weekends. The same child comes home for the summer to sit idly by and only see her mother in passing while coming in the door exhausted and waking to jump out of bed and start the day all over. You will miss funerals and weddings and family engagements because you will forbidden from taking time off during the season.

You risk your being. You get bronchitis in the middle of July and take no time off work because you’re the only person able to work every station in your kitchen and have to jump in to bail out whoever is in the weeds and can’t see their way out and you never know whose going to show up or in what condition they will arrive. You have all the signs that you are falling very ill but your largest event ever booked is Friday and your Sous chef needs a mental health few days so you power through never letting on anything is happening until you set the final board in the window and your body says “Now, can you take care of me now?” and you crumble. Unable to move from bed the entire next day your partner comes home and says you need to go to the ER now since I can’t drive you any other time. You spend hours overnight in there to learn you have pneumonia. You have to rest you have no choice.  You wake one day unable to move and literally have to crawl to the bathroom. Your back has ceased to function without pain and spasms. Your partner again says let me take you to the ER. After CT scans they say you have a bulging disc in your L4/L5. It may be causing the pain or it may be a symptom of what is causing the pain, we can’t be certain but here’s some narcotics and you can’t work for 3 days at least. You don’t listen, it’s fall. To stay within your budget and make the goals required to get your final bonus of the year you need to be at work and not giving someone else the hours. So you physically put yourself in danger of damage that could end your career.

You watch as foreign students come through your door and are told they can never be a server because that’s not the atmosphere the owners want, they are fine however to carry all of the load of running food and bussing tables and being paid far less than their worth. Or they will work in the kitchen endlessly and tirelessly for $4 an hour less than people who don’t care and have no investment and will make choices that could actually put customers health at risk. They will arrive every day without worry because when they go back home they will have a little extra or they will take some trips they won’t be able to later in life when they have to work for pennies.

The customers will love your food but they won’t know you. You will grow tired and know you don’t want to do this again next year. This will begin in July when your line cook mysteriously goes missing for a few days during the busiest week of the season. He claims he was arrested and couldn’t contact you but doesn’t have anyone do so on his behalf. He will surface a few days later telling this tale and say I can’t work today but I can be back tomorrow. The owners will tell you we have to let him because we need him. He will then proceed to have an emergency every Wednesday for almost the entire summer. He sets up a string of others doing the same because he has no penalty for doing so. You have to watch grown men act like children and not really know where it all begins but the owners tell you “when it starts just try to diffuse it but we can’t risk any of them leaving so don’t side.” You have to watch someone possibly being hate-mongered and not do anything because the owners have decided to replace him and have told ever other employee there to help find his replacement. They say he is the problem because all the others blame him. You will be told to cut his hours, you will do it. Then when others start falling apart you will be told to use his housing to make him come to work even though you despise others around town for doing the same. You never know the truth because your told you have to just lie to his face and say his job is safe while being made to locate his replacement which also puts him out on the street. You will make a statement telling him to just calm down and do his job so this doesn’t happen. He will take that a threat but you can’t tell him it was actually a warning and a plea to just chill and get through it because you can’t risk losing your job. Another line cook will blame him saying without him it would be peaceful. So you’re told you have to  move the other to a different room so keep them from fighting. You will do as you are told because you have adult responsibilities. This answer will not be acceptable to that individual so he will disappear for a week. When he is gone the aforementioned employee will question why he needs to stay in the back room and you’re not allowed to tell him that the other is returning on the condition we make the necessary steps to terminate him. You give the only answer you can muster because you can’t state an actual lie even though you’ve been forced into lies of omission for a month. He will call you a bitch and you will become the scapegoat for the owners who will always save face and look like the good guys. You will have the same first line cook call you on a Friday to tell you the one that came back after the others termination has been detained by the police on a Friday afternoon and won’t be in. That line cook will be released and not come in to work which will leave the other pissed because his hands are needed and since your now working a station aren’t able to do the function of backing him up when he is getting slammed. He will be nasty to everyone in earshot, scream at the expo for doing his job (mind you this will be one of your J1s who was thrown in and taken off the floor and out of the tip pool without his consent ... his presence is comforting to you because he is your solid and you actually finish each other’s thoughts so you fight to make sure he doesn’t lose money because of all of this). He will be pissed that there are no orders on another station but that person is untrained to help and she simply says “it’s happened a lot to me also.” He will decide to no call, no show the next day (a Saturday in August) because he’s pissed at them and doesn’t want to work with them that night. He shows up 2 days later like no big deal. You’re only allowed to give him a suspension for this because the owners can’t have anyone mad at them. He will return from his suspension and two shift in have another emergency and call out. It will now be shoulder season so you’re allowed to terminate him yet the owner let it be accepted as your decision but your told everyone was given zero tolerance so now we have to. The individual who feels they are being hate-mongered will never learn the truth and will forever hold you responsible. He will go around town spewing hate at you. He will have actually been the lucky one in that he didn’t have to deal with it.

You will hear of other chefs in town who get to shoulder season and just walk away, no notice no anything. Yet you will continue to hide the decision you have made months ago to call this your last season here because you signed a contract and it’s the right thing to do. You will keep that knowledge to yourself and stay to the end and carry them through because that is your job and you are devote always to a fault.

It will be two months left to the season and they will “reward” you by telling you an opportunity has come up for them to collaborate with another restaurant in town but that means bringing in her staff and you won’t be needed. You will sit there in this meeting and never let out a word of anger or aggression even though they are ripping from you $10,000 in salary and your final $3000 bonus. You will say thank you for their generous stipend of paying you for two weeks. This will amount to you losing $11,000.
You will walk away dignified and make the best of the moment you can all the while thinking someone should have taught them the lesson you learned years ago that you are only as strong as your employees and they are your greatest assets.

When you leave you are suddenly freed of the physical pain you’ve been carrying, the weight of stress it seems. You will be free of listening to the General Manager tell everyone “secrets” and how so and so didn’t move home to their parents they went to rehab (not their story to tell) yet he will still have his job and his pay. So you will just look at the silver lining and see that you can now stop living everyone else’s lies and be the person you believe is right and just within you. You will hopefully find away to minimize that loss of income as best you can (TBD but I think I have found it).

... and the shackles will be removed and you will become your own person again and not the property of people who only profited off of you but didn’t value you in the end.

Sensitizing the desensitized

In the wake of all the #MeToo(s) and Mario Batali stepping away amid allegations, I have a few things to say. When you are a female working in a mans world you learn your place or you stop trying. Sometimes that puts you in a place where you think “but am I any better than they are?”, “I’ve crossed some lines too”.

Much of my life was spent living loudly in silence. If you just use the C word too you aren’t a threat they won’t alienate you for fear you might turn someone in. You become desensitized. I don’t hate the C word like many but that doesn’t mean I throw it around, or that I want it thrown around me. I don’t want to hear my sales manager being referred to as Cream-Anne, or asked (due to my sexuality) if I would go down on someone while my executive chef “hit it from behind” ... I don’t want to be asked that EVER but most certainly about a person whose name I just learned as a new employee or someone meeting with sales about a special event. What’s worse is anything you say makes it harder for you to be taken seriously. This particular chef left as a new management company was coming on board because he had many things that would likely come to light. He was fired from the job he had immediately following for groping a co-workers breasts ... or as he called it “accidentally brushing them helping her off a ladder” ... I can assure you it wasn’t an accident ... he likely just got done grooming his mustache with a comb and awaiting an opportunity ... because on a scale of 1 to Creepy ... he’s off the damn charts. After his departure a revolving door of replacements came and went ... 7 in less than 2 years (including him) ... none qualified nor capable nor caring enough to do the job well ... yet I was told I couldn’t even be interviewed for it ... I had a culinary education, was nearly finished with my hotel management degree and had worked in the industry 10 years ... but I wasn’t qualified because I wasn’t part of the “boys club” ... Yano having a vagina and all

I left that location and moved to NY ... the position I held there was less than ideal but I was respected ... they knew I could do greater things than a kitchen in a limited service hotel ... but sometimes you take what you can get when being a woman and single mother will make people see you as less than.

I finally began to believe again ... 15 years into the game I venture pretty far from my comfort zone to work for an iron chef, one of Philly’s beloved ... but only by those who haven’t had to work there. I took a lead prep position for Jose Garces in Atlantic City. I was so proud because ... well iron chef duh ... but alas that too was just a shiny piece of glass trying to mimic a diamond. He had one female who led one of his locations ... it was often said in passing it was more of a “she was there when everyone else left” kind of things ... when I went to work for him in the Philly locations I would hear stupid comments like “she’s late again ... prolly cuz she’s bleeding” or a reference to not saying anything because she’d just claim “female problems” ... a position at one of the places I helped create menu items for came up ... I applied ... I emailed requesting an interview ... no one even replied ... might have been my gender or it might have been that they quickly learned with me I wouldn’t eat the spoonfuls of shit they force fed the rest of them. I was in catering and I would have hell weeks and lean weeks and they would try to “move my hours” to a leaner week instead of paying  me OT ... I always had my punch out slips and always went to HR ... but I was a lucky one ... for a child of immigrants this man treats his workers with total lack of concern ... I mean you work half a shift under one name and the other half under another to avoid OT is pretty shitty ... but we are talking about people not legally working so they couldn’t fight it ... but to the public he has a foundation to help the immigrant population ... he offers them English as a second language classes ... if that’s what you want to call teaching Apple= manzana or how to read a recipe. So I can’t give total claim to sexism but I’m sure 100% my lack of acceptance of these things was blamed on my gender ... I was told more than once “shit only stinks if you stir it” ... I’m not great at being told to stay silent when things are wrong I stayed, however, until a found a safe place to fall and then I was happy to run as fast as possible. I knew I’d never be anything more than a woman who bleeds but they were afraid to get rid of me there.

I’ve been very fortunate since then to land positions that have allowed me to spread my wings and be proud of who I am and not put gender on the table.

It’s time to stop accepting it all has to be that way.

It’s ok to call a racist a racist ... it’s ok to call a sexual predator a sexual predator ... it’s ok to say enough is enough

It's been a while ... And how things have changed

On to the next level of life ... 

Ownership ...

Oy Vey ... I thought working 60+ hours a week for someone else was hard ... Currently I'm working 55+ for myself while spending all my time outside of there sleeping, running around to acquire the perfect items and just hoping I'm not totally fucking up my life.

I left a paying gig to take a chance on me ... No guaranteed income ... No promise of rent being paid just total jump into the unknown. 

So far it's come with perspective, increased dreams, Saturday nights of tears, exhaustion I've never known, my family being there for the most important moment and my best friend proving her weight in gold can't even touch her true worth.

... And this is just the beginning ... 

We are about to be launched into a realm of unknown as a preferred vendor for an events planning company that will take us to heights that I can't even yet fathom. 

But that has made my dreams huge ... 

I think I am ready ... 

Lord, I hope I am ready ...

Embracing change

Today is my 3 year surgeversary. Three years ago my life began changing in ways I could have never expected it would. 11/16/11 I had gastric bypass surgery. I have lost half of me and gained a whole new person. 

To me the now vs. then is very dramatic. I have heard that my confidence was evident in both pictures but I can honestly tell you I did not have confidence back then. Not like I have now, that's for sure. I took my femme side to a photo shoot ... It made me embrace all the changes and not be hidden. The results are so dramatic that I absolutely must share. 

It's not easy being a chef and losing 175lbs. Surgery didn't do this ... I did this. I am constantly around everything "bad" that could have prevented or undone my accomplishments but I am cautious. I stay alert. I pay attention. If my jeans feel tight I listen to my body and I stay the course. Being in my new position and having to create an entire menu has made the struggle more real I have to try, sample, taste ... But outside my professional life I opt for healthy vegetarian and vegan items to undo the negative that goes in while working. If you are a chef with weight problems and think there is no way you could opt for surgery because you love food far to much, let me just tell you that I love food more now. Now that I have to consciously choose because I know that I can only enjoy a small sampling and not gorge myself and not actually taste a bite. 

This was me only about 6 months out swimming in the size clothing I had worn before it all began ... I can't even imagine how this would look now. 

...And then there was just me

So for those keeping score ... I had returned to help cover at my old place of employment to cover for the sous who had taken my place when I was leaving Philly. He had been in a really bad accident and my old chef was scrambling to figure out how to get through 6 or more weeks without him. So I land in my old kitchen and plan to stay at my other job too. That being the job with the line cook who thinks that just because I verbally play along with the guys that he can take it to a physical level ... Um no! So here I am knowing that I have in income for a limited amount of time and then I need to figure it out again. I venture to Craigslist and start applying ... I don't even know all of what I am applying for since some ads are very much lacking information. After a few interviews with some very pompous males and a stage that resulted in the chef taking 2 weeks to make a determination, I am offered a position at a local neighborhood bar that wants to step up its game. I leave that interview know that I will get the call on Monday that the job is mine. I am not disappointed. NOT ONLY AM I TOLD THAT I GET TO CREATE MY OWN MENU (first ever) I AM ALSO OFFERED A REALLY NICE AMOUNT THAT I WASN'T FULLY EXPECTING.

So now here I am at the helm ... building my team of individuals. All former employees decide that they aren't suited for the new plan and leave, thankfully. Today I have finalized the menu with pricing and appearance. I have finished the final recipe that I needed to create for my items. Tomorrow I start training the crew. Friends and Family Night the 27th and go live date November 1st. I am ready for this step ... I am more than ready ... it is my time.

And with that I have chosen a young team ... a well rounded team ... a team that I know I can mentor and they will become greats because I put my passion into them.

Stay tuned.

What's wrong is wrong ...

So on Friday I decided to leave my job without a safety net ... 

I am still covering at my "old" job but since this is temporary until the sous is able to return that leaves my life a little up in the air ...

So why would I just walk away and not know what's going to happen in a few days or a few weeks? Because what's right is right and what's wrong is wrong and I cannot take working there anymore. 

In my last blog I told you of a guy I was at odds with ... I am no prude in the kitchen ... I can dish out the sexual innuendos and roll with the punches with the best of them ... But there is a line and you just don't cross it. The last few times we worked together this person would walk passed me and act as though he might kiss my neck or something equally inappropriate ... Well on Friday I went to get my paycheck and he decides it's appropriate to grab my ponytail and jerk my head back in a sexual manner and start kissing and licking my neck to which I snapped and told him im with no uncertainty to keeps his fucking hands off of me. He just laughed. 

I decided to tell my chef I couldn't return because I couldn't work in that environment and that even if he was dealt with it would still be a matter of Bethany tattled making it uncomfortable for me to be there. 

Quite frankly that is bullshit ... I was told he would be reprimanded .... SERIOUSLY??? Reprimanded?????? How about terminated ... Seems more appropriate. Yet alas he'll still have a job and I will now have to locate a new one in a short window of time. 

I have anger about this ... And hate that being a woman in this (or any industry) means that sometimes you will have to deal with moments like these ... It shouldn't ever happen ... But I am more angry that coming forward means your the "rat" and means you are the outsider when you did nothing wrong. 

That being said ... I have made the right decision and I hope that no one ever deals with that and feels the need to tolerate it out of fear (although I know it does happen) ... I will land on my feet and I know that but it shouldn't have needed to be this way 

Sometimes enough is enough

I am one for fun and games ... I am fine with the sexual innuendos ... But sometimes the ceiling is reached and you just want to scream 

So in my kitchen they all know I'm not THAT girl ... But when you have to deal with the same guy saying the same thing over and over again there comes a time when you just want it to stop ... It's not that I am a girl ... It's not that I am "ragging it" but you don't really want to hear everyday how you'd "never go back" ... Most of my guys I can let them roll right off my back but one I just can't do it anymore ... Today he picks up my chef knife, full well knowing it's mine and that I don't have a cheap set of knives and decides he is going to open a #10 can of ketchup with it ... Like serious WTF????? 

I not the bitch in the kitchen ... And by that I mean I'm not the one who's always complaining and I'm also not the one constantly crying about things, but there does come the day when you really just don't want to deal with it. The question therein is ... How when everyday it is what it is do you get to "make it stop" ??

you can't go to someone and say listen today isn't that day so can we chill cuz as is with any "boys club" you're going to get more razzing for that ... You can't go to management because it's going to be any issue of yoh always play into it and now it's an issue ... 

So the best you can do it suck it up and move on with life ... Because if I know one thing it's that my guys will ALWAYS be the bigger bitches than me. 

Trust

It's a sad course of events when you realize you can't always trust those whose back you always had. 

This industry can be supportive or it can be cutthroat and you never know which way it might turn.

I used to think I didn't want to give away all the things I knew and would stop just short of giving away my 100% ... And then my mentor made a statement that a true chef should promote the profession and not just themselves. 

So the question then is why do many try to bury the next guy? 

I can only assume it's because you have your own esteem issues. You feel you aren't good enough or that you could be better and don't want to see someone step ahead of you. "Nothing had ever not been done before" is a pretty realistic statement in our realm ... But does that mean you shouldn't strive to push further ... That you should just take what someone else has done and make it yours without modification? Does it mean that when you feel you "own" something you shouldn't want to see the next person succeed and allow them an opportunity to excel? 

I don't want to live in a trust no one world. There is enough of that to go around already. 

This work is my passion. I want to treat my passion with dignity. I want to offer my hand to those who want to take it to the next level ... If I can make our world better by passing on a gift that was given to me, why wouldn't I want to? 

Why I do what I do

I am woman in a world of men.

The egos around me are insane. The bipolar tendancies make PMS look like a carnival ride. No really ... It's true ... I love my guys but dude they cycle with the moon far worse than any chick I know. 

So why do I try to make it when it all seems stacked against me? 

Because I can!!!!

Put me on a line and we will have to discuss why you're in my way and need to back the fuck up ... Give me some prep time and I will dice the hell out of some shit and turn nothing into something spectacular. 

And yet, women are overlooked by the industry "bigs" ... Those guys that everyone knows and thinks make this world spin. I don't personally know many but I do know that I have to scratch my way to the surface to find air when many men are just given roles that they aren't even slightly qualified for.  

What I do know is that for years I have had one idol ... She isn't "famous" but she is to me (and to many in my industry too) 

http://noras.com/nora/ 

Nora Pouillion has been my idol for 20+ years ... She was fighting this fight long before the world even cared about chefs. And she was doing it organically before organic became a catch phrase ... So why is she virtually an unknown still? 

Because the struggle is real ... (Sorry to be so cliche) 

And no one voices that better than my local industry crush ... This lady ... 

https://m.facebook.com/crystalfoxrox 

http://www.giorgioonpine.com/

Crystal is beyond awesome ... She is loud ... She is crude ... She will make you laugh until you pee with her statuses ... She can make your toes curl ... Well at least her sweet potato gnocchi will, in that whole food is sex thing I feel ... But she is fighting our fight ... And she is doing it with pride 

What's the industry really like for women? 

The world after foodnetwork has made it seem posh to be a chef. It isn't. Quite frankly, it sucks. When people ask me about this person or this show I don't even know what they are talking about most of the time. Why? Because I work 60+ hours a week ... Because when I am not working I am not sitting in my house staring at a screen ... Men don't want to promote women because we might have other priorities ... When I am in an interview it's always a concern I have kids ... Until I say one's an adult and the other goes to boarding school. Then I am questioned on if I can handle the hours ... Ok excuse me while I get a little nasty here but seriously dude ... I have worked a 60 hour a week job while toting a child to sports practices ... Making meals every night ... Helping with homework ... I have pushed two kids out of my vagina without medication ... So the question really is ... can you? Then there is that guy at ever place that thinks I can't lift anything ... Oh honey,  I raised cows and pigs growing up ... I have carried a 25# baby in a car seat, toting a diaper bag, college books, and groceries simultaneously ... I don't need your help with this 20# case of chicken ... No seriously if you haven't been there you don't get it ... I can ... And will lift that full stock pot that you think I am too dainty to lift ... And just to prove I can I will also pick you up and throw you over my shoulder (yes this just happened ... My kitchen no longer questions my strength) You will be sexually harassed ... If you show the slightest tinge of fear over it you will be ostracized ... Don't worry my boys you can't shake me ... I will make you blush long before you will make me buckle. My first kitchen I ever worked in had a sign that read "sexual harassment will not be reported, it will however be graded" ... Sounds about right ... And I will suck up everything else around me to make sure I am stronger than any guy I working with ... I went back to work 2 weeks after a surgery I was supposed I take 6 weeks off for ... It sucked ... The pain was intense and I was working with food I couldn't even eat ... It was physically and mentally a challenge ... But I damn well did it 

So why do I do what I do?

 Because I wouldn't be happy doing anything else ... My father once said to me "Bethany, no one likes what they do they do it because they have to" ... Well sorry to disappoint daddy dear but I do "like" what I do ... I adore every aspect of it ... Yes even the ones that make it suck ... I adore it because it is who I am ... I don't wake up in the morning not wanting to get out of bed and go to work ... An Oprah show once told me that to be happy find someone to pay you to do what you loved to do as a child and you will be ... So here I am ... And that is really why I do what I do ... Because I have loved it since the first time I helped this women make dinner ... And I will love it until the day I can make dinner with her again 

Food is sex

Point blank ... It's that simple 

We thrive on the passion that we put in ...  Our ego needs to be stroked ... We need have our flames fanned ... We don't cook because you're hungry and too lazy to do it yourself ... We do it because it turns is on!!! 

The sexuality of a kitchen ... Yes it has one ... It's most certainly pansexual (and I definitely don't mean to use that as a pun, but it's noted as kinda hilarious too).  

We taste, we explore, we strive to find that "spot", that moment of food ecstasy, that moment when what we have done makes your eyes roll into the back of your head and you can't help but let that moan escape you. 

We dig in deep, we get our hands dirty, we enjoy the smells, we are filled with passion and we won't give in until you have had all you can possibly take. 

That feeds our egos ... It makes us hot ... Not kitchen hot ... That deep inside your body raging fire ... We need it ... We want it ... And we are insatiable ... The more the better ... Basically we are nymphos 

(And now you have the first real blog ... Purposely chosen to be the first strike and let you know this will most certainly not be for the faint of heart ... I hope you are ready!!!!)

Keeping it real

How does one explain the beginning of a blog? It's a whim ... A moment ... A strange conversation that strikes a desire ... It's like that moment of passion when you need to make it happen and make it happen now ... And so it begins ...

Welcome to the mind of a femme in the kitchen ... Not just another female ... Not just another lesbian ... A me ... An anomaly of sorts ... A fat girl turned thin ... A closeted lady who hides nothing anymore ... A person wished to stay hidden because she didn't like how the world saw her ... A femme who embraced the feeling of being sexy 40 years into life ... A chef who didn't believe in herself enough ... This blog will seem bipolar ... It will seem schizophrenic ... But it will be real ... My passion runs deep ... My insanity deeper  ... Welcome to my love ... Being the femme in a world dominated by men ... How I survive ... How I strike first ... How I protect myself and how I make myself fit in ... I haven't a clue what I might say in the future but I can promise ... It will be me!!!